After an amazing confession (the kind where you just know it's Jesus present in the Sacrament because such a truth is spoken, it washes away any doubt), I knew. I knew He wanted to speak straight to my heart. I knew I needed Him to to tell me something huge. Was I ready to hear it? I wasn't sure.
The priest told me that if I didn't know the source of my struggle, then I didn't know myself. Quite the shocker, right? How could I not know myself? I'm 27 years old, I have a job, my own place...I know who I am...I know...right? Then I realized that none of these things define me. I realized how right this priest was. I needed to find myself buried under this struggle that has been plaguing my life. I struggled to face the facts.
Then it dawned on me.
I had spent years telling teenagers that God speaks in the silence. I am sure I can speak for many when I say, that just isn't something I find anywhere in my day to day life. I found a place to make a retreat...in Trenton, NJ (about 3 hours away). I was glad though because on that route, I know 2 Christian radio stations so I could leave my iPod distraction at home! I was about 40 minutes away from the place when I heard the following lines of a song called "Love Me" by JJ Heller (video at the bottom of post!)
"...Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside and it said..."I have watched you suffer all of your life and now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I...I will love you for you not for what you have done...I will love you for you, I will give you the love, the love that you never knew..."
I began to cry. Then I thought, "Wait, no...not here in the car...I can't have this major revelation in the car! It needs to be in a chapel, quiet...or something more holy!" Of course that is not true. As soon as we are willing to listen, God is ready to speak. Those words broke through to the core of my heart.
I now I knew the source, I was ready to see it, sit with it, and begin to invite God's healing love into the wounds. I left that weekend of silence knowing more than ever that my God loves me for me! He created me so of course He loves me. It has been amazing! I hope the song can help you too...